How A Painting Helped Me Overcome Fear of Judgement

It's only Monday and I feel like I’ve already gone through enough emotions for the week. So… last week I listened to the audio book ‘The Celestine Prophecy’ .. I ran into whole foods and some guy told me to read it when he saw my ‘NOW’ tattoo (inspired by The Power of Now). Later that day, the book was recommended by the instructor of my online ‘working girl’ class. This must be a sign I thought, so I purchased the book and loved it. It put so much shit into perspective for me. Especially the author’s afterthought… so reassuring. In the book, they spoke about coincidences, and more people looking into them deeper, moving towards a universal consciousness. 

It also brushed on dealing with your past ‘drama’ which, for all of us, is a product of our childhood. I thought about how much I disregarded Jio earlier in the week when she told me I should talk to a therapist about my past. To be fair, I only disregarded it because I wasn’t upset with my past and didn’t know where she was coming from with that. Her justification was that her past still affects her when she drinks and, I guess, since she never saw me sad or talk much about my past that I was just suppressing emotions. I realized yesterday that she was right… just not about the things she believed I was suppressing. 

Anyways, it came back to me when the book discussed it everyone having to deal with their childhood “drama.” I also saw a post on instagram that said “people wanna hop on the spiritual trend until they gotta face they demons.” Hmm. I didn't know it was a trend, but here I was, revisiting this thought of dealing w past issues. I Also watched Briana - my course instructor’s instagram live on Saturday. She was talking with a woman named DJ, and their entire conversation was like WOW for me. I mean I knew there was other people who felt and believed what I believed (in the powers of energy and the universe etc) but here they were. Black women speaking about these topics so freely, openly and confidently. Something must have shifted in me… it was yet another confirmation for me. That I wasn’t crazy for believing in what I do. 

Later that night (Saturday) I fell asleep to a 22/4 life path video on youtube, just for some extra reassurance in my being here. The following morning I dm’d DJ (the lady from the live) and sent her voice notes about knowing I had a purpose but something holding me back. I used to think it was the fact that I didn't believe in myself but I did. So what was it?? I got super emotional while I was sending her the voice notes - but why?? 

I then finished the life path video from the night before and it mentioned 2’s being highly sensitive. And I’m a double 2 which kicks up being highly sensitive to extremely sensitive. And the more I thought about it, I always was sensitive. I mean, I would cry if my dad killed a mouse he caught on the trap. I would ask if he was gonna set the mouse free, he’d say yes, then I’d hear him hit the bag of garbage he put the mouse in on the side of the house. And boy would I cry. I cried if he ever beat our dog w a belt - which I probably would still cry about. I remember getting out of the shower one time, and I felt like the lotion bottle was lonely on the shelf. I decided to have a sleep over with it so it wouldn’t feel alone… but then I felt like I was leaving the other bottles of products out so I grabbed a bunch more and laid in bed w them. Lol… THIS is how sensitive I was.

I thought about how ashamed I was of my sensitivity as a kid, but ha! I wasn’t just weak or a cry baby, its who I am! Something then told me to search “dealing with childhood trauma” in which I watched a video titled “How to overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect | Kati Morton” At first I didn't want to watch the video because I was sure I wasn’t emotionally neglected- but here I was.. relating to every single thing she talked about. “Oh my gosh” I thought, “i was emotionally neglected.” Now if anyone knows me, they know I hate “victim” talk. I never ever wanted people’s sympathy or to be the boo-hoo kid. It irritates me when people tell stories to make themselves seem like the victim. But why?!! 

Then suddenly I realized, like wow. Its because all of my emotions were made to feel so small growing up. My mom was kicked out when I was around 7 or 8 and then it was my father brother and I. My dad worked a lot to provide for us as the single parent, and honestly he was never fully present as a parent. I think theres a lot that went unnoticed by him right under his nose. And my brother wasn’t sensitive at all. I honestly think he resented how sensitive I was. Even this year, when him and I got into a disagreement in front of my father and I got worked up, he said “and now she’s gonna cry like she always does.” It didn’t even register to me at the time that once again, I felt like my tears (of frustration and wanting to be understood) were invalid and wrong. I was so used to him bashing me for that. I was so used to thinking my tears would make people roll their eyes in disgust. Like that one time I went shopping with my step mother and step sister after confiding to my father they always left me in the house alone to go shopping. My dad must have spoke to her so this time she invited me out because she felt she had to. She didn't speak to me though, only her daughter. And I couldn’t help but cry about an hour into the trip. We were in a store. My step sister tried to comfort me but my step mom didn't so much as speak to me. I’m crying now as I write this because I remember how unwanted I felt. And even after being so hurt to where I’m crying publicly, she still didn’t care. 

THIS was my trauma. This feeling of my feelings, emotions, and pain being made invalid. We all have pasts, so I never try to use mine as a way to get sympathy out of others…but fuck, I had every right to cry and to be hurt by that. And thats just one situation… there were several. And it went on for years. Until now, as an adult I just learned to be alone. I liked it better. Nobody to judge me. Nobody to misunderstand me. Nobody to judge or be mean to me.But deep down I was still this little girl who just needed a hug. Or to be told its okay to cry. And that people can be mean… its not you thats the problem, they have their own problems. 

So, after re-living this and balling my eyes out all morning..  I now had a greater understanding of what my childhood traumas were and how they were still affecting me. I was and still am a highly highly sensitive person. I see how this part of my past fucks me up to this day. I’ve been scared to put myself out there for years because of the fear that whatever I say and do can be judged, misinterpreted and misunderstood. Either that or like people don’t care what I have to say so why say it. Also, I realize where In friendships and relationships, I took things to the heart that people did but I didn't tell them about it till I was over the situation already - and decided I wanted to walk away - or at the very least I already built a wall up so my feelings couldn’t be hurt by them anymore. 

I vented to Jared about it and it helped to talk about it. I honestly been keeping so much shit to myself, that I forgot what it felt like to cry to someone about it. I wanna cry to someone else right now lol. Without feeling bad about it. But boy, when you learn a lesson God wants to make sure you learn a lesson. He wants you to practice using your new insight in actual scenarios. So this leads us to today…

I woke up, like I have been for the last week now. Not quite sure how to start my day but very appreciative and in awe of my surroundings. I love looking out of my window and saying gm to the universe. My phone hasn’t turned on since last night but no bother. I finished day 30 of the 30 day yoga challenge I started on youtube! I started it in may but I made sure to still be proud of FINISHING. I proceeded with a 10 minute guided meditation and my energy flow was amazing. I got my dry erase board, went to the kitchen and had a creative dump session. I felt great. I wrote JT to see if he wanted to come by (i couldn’t really travel anywhere without GPS) and throw some ideas around like we said we would when he got back from Texas. He came over and it was cool. I tried to make sure I didn’t try to control the vibe by not forcing conversation and not feeling awkward during times of silence. (There were times I was overthinking, but at least I was conscious of what I was doing! #Progress) a couple hours in, we smoked and I was highhhh. It wasn’t bad.. I was able to control it for the most part. But dude rolled a big joint and I was used to smoking out of my bowl, soooo yea it hit. Now I felt even more pressure to not be awkward lmao. He asked if I painted, and I showed him the devilish red man. “you painted that?!” He asked. “Yes!” I said, thinking he was about to say how much he liked it. “I don't fuck with that he said” but it quickly became clear to me what he really meant. “I don't even want to look at it” he said as he turned away. I then remembered he talked about being a religious person and I apologized. I figured I was creeping him out. Then I showed him the other painting of the caged farmer, and he said he liked that one. I sat back down and immediately felt like the energy was off. he may not have, but I felt like he was now uncomfortable around me and in my home. In my eyes, he thought I worshipped the devil. But I was also kinda intrigued by how creeped out he was. I did my best to not over think the situation, so I tried to laugh it off and keep asking if he felt freaked out to which he’d reply “I'm not freaked out I just don't fuck with shit like that.” I then explain to him that I was inspired after watching “the nightmare artist” on youtube and wondering what he was going through as he painted. I told JT wanted to see what that felt like - channeling different emotions as an artist and painting it. He kinda got it but not really. I didn't care to keep explaining myself though, and I only did it to reassure him I wasn’t satanic lol.

Still, I didn't feel completely nonchalant. What is this feeling I'm feeling? I quickly realized that I was feeling judged. I mean wow.. just yesterday I was internally facing this trauma and now im facing it head on! I’m proud of myself for being able to identify the emotion - therefor draining it of its power over me. Normally I would kept talking about it until I felt certain that he didn't look at me in that way. Or I would have kept apologizing.. or I would have made him an enemy and told myself “whatever, you don't need him as a friend. Fuck him and anyone else who judges you, just don't speak to him after this.” But no, I faced it head on, accepted it, and almost wished I had more shit for him to judge me off of. 

Im not gonna lie, it did affect me for a bit. I felt clouded once he left. I could tell my energy was a bit gloomy, and I even questioned if this is what I was supposed to be doing with my life? YES, this is how sensitive I am. Had I not had the breakthrough I had the day before I probably would be in bed right now, feeling shitty, thinking I need to go get a real job and stop tryna be this artist/youtuber/entrepreneur. Even though nobody could tell me shit earlier that day. I allowed myself to tend to my sensitive side. I let out a couple tears before I laid down. 

 

Now I feel 1000% more ready to stand in the face of judgement. Thats it? That wasn’t so bad. Who else wants to judge me? Lol. If my phone wasn’t broke I would post the photo and encourage people to judge me for it. No more explaining myself to get other people to understand me who don’t. Let them have their opinions of me. It doesn’t define me or slow me down. I know who I am at all times, even in the eye of criticism. 

Until next time…